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PUBLISHED ON: NOV 16, 2024 BY: MEERA
Coffee & Chats
Coping With Anxiety
Featuring Self-Care, a Poem, and a Trip to the Beach
Welcome to Episode 3 of Coffee and Chats. Here, I meet you over a soothing beverage (and maybe a snacker-oo, who knows?) as I discuss what’s been on my mind. Today’s topic: Coping with Anxiety (featuring self-care, a poem & a trip to the beach).
But first, what’s my bev?
A Golden Milk Latte
It’s made with ground turmeric, cinnamon, a crack of black pepper, sugar, and oat milk. It’s a very delicious, caffeine-free beverage.
Grab a drink, and…
let’s have a chat
I’m no stranger to anxiety. It’s been my companion for as long as I can remember. My earliest recollection of anything was when I was 4 years old. I cried without reason, my heart raced often, and I lacked comfort and touch.
I grew up in a place where the phone rang constantly, adults always shouted, and someone was usually angry. It was both a business and a family-oriented environment, and I was barely the height of an adult’s knees when I was always on the verge of tears. What’s worse was when I cried but couldn’t provide a reason to the already annoyed adult, which only made me more anxious.
Home life was difficult, but school primary school was not any easier. I dreaded Sunday nights and mornings from Monday to Friday.
The education system was not made for daisies like me. You had to be made of thorns to be unbothered or have resilience towards the torture teachers put us through – they spoke loudly and without compassion for kids (think of Miss Trunchbull – I’m not kidding. They’d threaten us with a whip. It was a total abuse of power).
My stomach dropped every morning as the school building came in sight. Sometimes, I’d walk through the gates and burst into tears (because I didn’t want to be there).
When asked why I was crying, I’d lie and say that someone pushed me and I fell outside. Other mornings, I refused to eat breakfast and claimed that I felt too upset to eat so that I wouldn’t have to go to school. I used that tactic too many times and the adults started to figure me out (in retrospect, they probably had known much earlier). Whenever, I’d suddenly throw up in the mornings for a reason unknown to me, I’d be relieved – I got an automatic pass to stay home.
The thing is, though the other kids felt fear sometimes, I felt it all the time. Being at home and school were anxiety-inducing, and those were the only two places I went.
The same thing carried on in secondary school, except there were more flexibility with teachers. I felt a bit safer. But, my anxiety was still abnormally high. It wasn’t just nervousness about not doing what I was supposed to (homework, chores, saying please or excuse me). It got worse.
I was afraid of even the nice people. I was scared that if I allowed myself to believe they’re nice, they’d eventually reveal the monster they’ve disguised. So, I made no friends in high school. I was too afraid of getting hurt.
The people outside of school modeled that concept through their behaviors – they wore nice masks around visitors but took them off when they left. I always liked having visitors around. Everything seemed normal.
Anxiety in Adulthood
Now, I don’t want to say what I’m going through explicitly, but some of you might be able to put a few things together and figure it out. I want to be more transparent but I feel that it’s too sensitive to do so at this point in my life.
My upbringing has a lot to do with why I’m like this. I try not to be inconvenient. I second-guess many things, from what to wear, what to say, and how to say it. It’s mentally exhausting. I feel like a zombie sometimes. Sometimes, my mind is a cage and I crave a sanctuary.
Through practice, I’ve learned to lean towards an optimistic outlook (I used to be terribly pessimistic). Seeing silver linings, the good flecks in the bad, and the importance of destruction to birth change has replaced the slot in my mind that used to fit eternal doom and daily existential crises. And, maybe that’s why I’m still at it.
I still live in the chaotic environment of phones ringing constantly, angry adults, and too much noise. But, now I’ve become an adult. And, it’s better than being a clueless child.
I will say that my anxiety has simmered down over the past few years, but every now and again, it enters through the doors of my mind like a visitor. It sits on the same chair it always does and it feels like it never even left. It feels like I’m me.
And that’s a bit dangerous because I can get comfortable sitting in dread. Recently, the visitor had been occupying my space and it scared me.
My mind was in a different zone. I couldn’t listen when people speak to me – I only heard their voices. And, sometimes I only realised they were talking to me after they said important things. I struggled to stay grounded and present. I was floating.
I caught myself sitting still, eyes wide open, and just thinking. About what? I can’t recall (some of them were violent – I imagined the violence happening to me – sorry if that’s a bit too much).
The root of this problem was that there was too much on my plate – home, work and university. I’d been overwhelmed. So, I decided that I needed to actively work towards sending off my pesky guest.
Self-Care
Cooking good food
I was snacking/ grazing when I should’ve been eating a filling meal. At the moment, it felt fine, but then later I felt hungry, bloated, and a bit groggy. So, I made some roasted butternut squash soup. Next time, I’ll reduce the coconut milk by half (it was a little too rich). But, I spontaneously smashed some chickpeas on a slice of untoasted bread and dipped it in the soup, and BOY, was it heaven in my mouth? I think so.
Oven roasted butternut squash with garlic and onions + seasonings
Super creamy and well-balanced with paprika and thyme
It may not look like the most appetising dish ever, but…
It doesn’t matter. It’s heaven served in a bowl <3
One of my favourite foods is oatmeal. I love to make it in the microwave (quick, less clean-up, and still delicious). I like to add blueberries, or raspberries, or sometimes a mix of blueberries and strawberries (the pink and blue give the oatmeal a pretty purple colour).
Made with raspberries and topped with my homemade peanut butter
Made with flaxseeds and
bloobs
Oatmeal is super comforting to me. I have it everyday (everyday!), sometimes twice a day, lol.
Challenging Social Anxiety
Calling the bank had been on my to-do list for weeks. But I put it off for that long because talking over the phone made me super nervous. I decided that I needed to combat this. I told myself, “You can do challenging things!” which was encouraging.
But, a few minutes before picking up the phone, it felt like I drank two cups of coffee 🙁
Anyway, I got on the call and it was not bad at all. The saying “fake it ’til you make it” came through to me, and I spoke with confidence and tried to sound put-together. WHAAT? Was it that easy?
Though, I did not get through – the girl over the phone told me that I had to go to the bank to get help. I was not bummed out because I saw it as an opportunity to get better.
The next day, I got dressed in comfortably stylish clothes, combed my hair the way I like it, and went to the bank. I got what I needed, and I was proud of myself.
Let me tell you, I felt like myself again. I used to do these things like nothing and now I’ve started to do them again! Jumping over scary hurdles makes me feel accomplished and less like a cat with its tail between its legs.
On that same day, I further challenged my anxiety by reaching out to a customer through a phone call to tell her the birthday cake she ordered was finished and ready for pick-up.
I wished her a happy birthday and told her I hoped she liked the cake. She sounded very happy. This is the cake I made for her:
Breathing
When I felt overwhelmed and about to fold into myself (and out of existence), I breathed in for 4 seconds and breathed out for 4 more. I did that until I felt better. It’s was a good distraction and it helped to calm me down (a lot).
Movement
This is a big one! Over the past two weeks or so, I’d been sitting in front of the computer or doing other work and I wasn’t prioritising exercise. I fell out of routine, and I give myself grace whenever I do. I just get back into it in whatever way I feel is right.
I started with a good ole walk and stretch, and oh boy, did I miss it? Then, on another day, I felt like doing some calisthenics and so I did. I started to feel like myself again.
Trying to slow down
I actively tried to be more present, and I found that using my senses – taste, touch, sight, hearing, and smell – helps me. Like when I was having the soup I made, I paid attention to its warmth, creaminess, heartwarming tastes of paprika and thyme, and the absolute heavenly creaminess of the chickpeas and bread soaked in the goodness of the soup – what an explosion! Think of Remy from Ratatouille when he ate the cheese and berries.
Also, the other night I went to the veranda and had a snack at midnight. I can’t recall the last time I noticed the stars like that. I think that’s an indicator that I need to pay attention to more of what’s around me. Anyway, there is always something special about the wind at late hours. It’s more magical. So gentle and fresh.
Watching a movie
I watched The Addam’s Family one night and it was amazing. I really enjoyed it! (find someone who loves you the way Gomez loves Morticia, haha).
Again, it’s been a long time since I sat down and watched a movie.
I’ve just realised that a contributing factor to my recent anxiousness was that the things I enjoy doing – exercising, eating food that makes me happy, and relaxing by watching a movie – had been pushed off to the side to make room for work and other life situations. And, it’s when I reintroduced those comforting things, that I started to feel like myself again!
A Poem
It always makes me feel better when I find the right words to express my feelings. This is a poem I wrote earlier this year. It’s not perfect but it’s spills my feelings on paper just enough.
It’s called Homecoming:
When you think of betrayal,
don’t think of me.
Our walks of life have long dragged
behind the leash of time.
But, the ugly figure I carved of you
still knocks on the back door.
It is stained in the shape of an uninvited visitor,
silhouetted in eternal night,
weariness seated on its spine,
bending its body into a willow.
Its expression is replaced with the crown of its head.
Heart – plagued with revenge.
I once buried my hands deep in the dirt
that you were covered and dug up
the heart of your innocence –
the kind like when you used to cling
to your mother’s dress.
It was so fragile – I could cradle it.
It was the kind like when your little hands
clutched the stick as you drew letter-like shapes
of your name into the sand,
because the world belonged to you, too.
When I think of you
I’ll think of a child who measured love with a tape;
A child in a yellowed photograph whose head
touched his father’s knee when he stood beside him;
A child who sowed dreams in a persistent drought.
Because I’d like to forgive,
just the way the humble dawn rises in forgiveness
of the night for thieving its glow.
Because I’d like to forget,
just the way the shores forget a name
when the waves glide over to steal it.
Though, I am not yet like the dawn,
but rather the light in the sky on moonless nights,
for the scars of torment were not drawn
on a canvas of sand, but cement.
Our walks of life have long dragged behind the leash of time,
but I remain a girl whose eyes barely peer
over the kitchen table;
a girl who measures love with a tape
and sows dreams in an endless monsoon.
Her aged hope of your arrival has shriveled into spoilage.
What was supposed to be a pair of hands
lifting a wingless bird through the air
became bruised knuckles on the back door.
When you think of betrayal,
don’t think
of me.
Yeahhh, that’s a bit rough and heavy. But on a brighter note…
Let’s Go to the Beach!
I went to the beach on a Wednesday afternoon. It was one of those moments when it was difficult to get caught up in my head – it was too beautiful! The wind was strong and the air was clear. It was so good to feel my feet on the sand, and the water rushing through my toes.
On my way (at 4 pm). Nice sunshine.
Do you see the moon?
Selfie in the sand
The pattern resembles fish scales
All of these pictures are unedited, by the way.
Final Words
Feeling anxious is an indicator that certain things in life could use some tweaking – like finding work-life balance, habits (getting better sleep or drinking less coffee), or blocking out the rowdiness.
It can get too comfortable sitting still and allowing the currents of dread to wash over you. But, it’s a lot of mental energy that’s taken away. It’s scary when you can’t recognise yourself.
Well, that’s Episode 3 of Coffee & Chats. Let me know what are your thoughts and if you have experience with chronic anxiety (or just anxiety in general). And do share what bev you’re having in the comments <3.
Thanks for sticking around ’til the end. Stay tuned for the next one!
